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| "NO!" |
(With given permission from parent to share about the parent and child sessions and photo of child. It is not a therapy but a private session where observation and facilitation took place with the parent and child.)
Each year I returned to Singapore, I facilitated mother and toddler private sessions. The toddler has turned 2 and she is in the developmental phase of saying, ‘No’.
Before I shared some aspects of what took place in the sessions, I would like to address about toddlers at 2.
Often than not, I would always hear the two words, ‘Terrible Two’. And many times it carries the negative connotation of the toddler as being ‘naughty’, ‘disobedient’, ‘not listening', 'stubborn'… I clearly understand that parents having to go through this period of time, is not an easy time at all, but by 'labelling' the child as 'Terrible Two', would it actually help in establishing the parent-child relationship? Won’t the labelling bring about more tension between parent and child rather than improving the situation? Or is it going to be the beginning of this tug-of-war going on between parent and child?
Toddler coming to the age of 2 or even earlier would start to exert the word, ‘No’. In the Kestenberg movement profile, snapping and biting phase, the infant is beginning to learn to separate from his/her main caregiver, usually the parents. It is also the stage where he/she is going through the teething phase. This takes place much earlier and it is not a nice time for the infant as well as for the parents. Next come the phase where the toddler is seeking one’s self-identity, setting boundary and learning to exercise assertiveness by saying or practising the word, ‘No’. It is an important phase for the toddler to go through by finding their own ability to exert assertiveness, setting boundary, finding their own identity and develop their core centre and self.
If there is an extreme interference by not allowing the toddler to do so, in adulthood, they may not be able to exercise them, needless to say, to understand boundary, assertiveness, and to be able to set limits and boundary in life and not to be ‘lured’ by peer pressure into doing something they do not like. It is understood that parents may feel a sense of rejection from their child when they say, ‘No’. The real fact is the toddler is not attacking a parent personally but trying to seek meaning and understand the world through their senses and at the same time making senses of themselves and the world around them.
I hope in sharing the encounter that I have with the toddler will help parents-to-be and parents who are having young toddlers to have a better insight to the world of the toddlers and in aid of parenthood.
Here is the scenario.
I use T. for toddler, M. for mother
First session
T. has grown up a lot since the last time I saw her. She could not recognise me. Immediately, she showed me her displeasure as a sign of I was someone whom she did not know personally. I gave some space in between as I entered the room and had a conversation with M. At the same time, I observed T, making eye-contact with her. M. introduced me and she would strongly say, ‘No’ (a few times) as saying, “I don’t know you and I’m not ready to accept you, stay away from me.’ I didn’t attempt to go near her but let her be where she was and accepted her ‘No’ to me that she was not ready to let me into her ‘circle’ as yet. T. began her play in her room while M and I would observe. At one point, M. went to pick up a toy for her in another room. I chose at this point of time to move a little nearer to her but at a distance. She immediately would say a loud ‘No’ again with her feet hitting the floor, sitting down, to assert her ‘No’ a few times. I then imitated her actions and mirrored her repeating her ‘No’ at a distance. I repeated them a couple of times as she continued. She looked at me, making eye contacts and her body immediately relaxed as we ‘played’ this game of stamping feet and ‘No’. She softened her body and broke into a smile. It is a sign that she was accepting me and acknowledged my presence to be in the room with her. I let her take the lead to approach me in her own time. In split second, she came towards me (very near) and smiled. Since then, I was given the permission to join M. and T. in the exploration of play.
Note: I won’t go into the details of the whole session as my main focus is to show the intervention of interacting with a toddler at 2.
Second session
T. was still sleeping and awoke after a while I was there. I was having a conversation with M. She came out of her room, woken up and needed some time to orientate herself to awake state. T. was still in a state of what was going on. The evident of her mood was not a happy one and again she would exert her ‘No’ even with more assertiveness. The question is, ‘Do we force the child to immediately have the session?’ Or ‘Do we wait till she is ready on her own to begin?’ Being a therapist, my way of working is to follow the child’s cue and not to force them to do what they do not want to do. What if we do? Naturally, the child will put up a fight and the tension would be amounted and escalated. In fact, M. asked me and I gently asked her in the form of question what would she do about it? (as a form of intervention with M. and T.)
We let T. to settle down and let her be until she was ready. Interestingly, she had her milk and soon enough, she regained her disposition and ready to cooperate without any fuss and with a smile. It didn’t take very long in fact. All we did was let her be, let her decide and all we did was be with her, observing her and picking up her cues.
Each year I returned to Singapore, I facilitated mother and toddler private sessions. The toddler has turned 2 and she is in the developmental phase of saying, ‘No’.
Before I shared some aspects of what took place in the sessions, I would like to address about toddlers at 2.
Often than not, I would always hear the two words, ‘Terrible Two’. And many times it carries the negative connotation of the toddler as being ‘naughty’, ‘disobedient’, ‘not listening', 'stubborn'… I clearly understand that parents having to go through this period of time, is not an easy time at all, but by 'labelling' the child as 'Terrible Two', would it actually help in establishing the parent-child relationship? Won’t the labelling bring about more tension between parent and child rather than improving the situation? Or is it going to be the beginning of this tug-of-war going on between parent and child?
Toddler coming to the age of 2 or even earlier would start to exert the word, ‘No’. In the Kestenberg movement profile, snapping and biting phase, the infant is beginning to learn to separate from his/her main caregiver, usually the parents. It is also the stage where he/she is going through the teething phase. This takes place much earlier and it is not a nice time for the infant as well as for the parents. Next come the phase where the toddler is seeking one’s self-identity, setting boundary and learning to exercise assertiveness by saying or practising the word, ‘No’. It is an important phase for the toddler to go through by finding their own ability to exert assertiveness, setting boundary, finding their own identity and develop their core centre and self.
If there is an extreme interference by not allowing the toddler to do so, in adulthood, they may not be able to exercise them, needless to say, to understand boundary, assertiveness, and to be able to set limits and boundary in life and not to be ‘lured’ by peer pressure into doing something they do not like. It is understood that parents may feel a sense of rejection from their child when they say, ‘No’. The real fact is the toddler is not attacking a parent personally but trying to seek meaning and understand the world through their senses and at the same time making senses of themselves and the world around them.
I hope in sharing the encounter that I have with the toddler will help parents-to-be and parents who are having young toddlers to have a better insight to the world of the toddlers and in aid of parenthood.
Here is the scenario.
I use T. for toddler, M. for mother
First session
T. has grown up a lot since the last time I saw her. She could not recognise me. Immediately, she showed me her displeasure as a sign of I was someone whom she did not know personally. I gave some space in between as I entered the room and had a conversation with M. At the same time, I observed T, making eye-contact with her. M. introduced me and she would strongly say, ‘No’ (a few times) as saying, “I don’t know you and I’m not ready to accept you, stay away from me.’ I didn’t attempt to go near her but let her be where she was and accepted her ‘No’ to me that she was not ready to let me into her ‘circle’ as yet. T. began her play in her room while M and I would observe. At one point, M. went to pick up a toy for her in another room. I chose at this point of time to move a little nearer to her but at a distance. She immediately would say a loud ‘No’ again with her feet hitting the floor, sitting down, to assert her ‘No’ a few times. I then imitated her actions and mirrored her repeating her ‘No’ at a distance. I repeated them a couple of times as she continued. She looked at me, making eye contacts and her body immediately relaxed as we ‘played’ this game of stamping feet and ‘No’. She softened her body and broke into a smile. It is a sign that she was accepting me and acknowledged my presence to be in the room with her. I let her take the lead to approach me in her own time. In split second, she came towards me (very near) and smiled. Since then, I was given the permission to join M. and T. in the exploration of play.
Note: I won’t go into the details of the whole session as my main focus is to show the intervention of interacting with a toddler at 2.
Second session
T. was still sleeping and awoke after a while I was there. I was having a conversation with M. She came out of her room, woken up and needed some time to orientate herself to awake state. T. was still in a state of what was going on. The evident of her mood was not a happy one and again she would exert her ‘No’ even with more assertiveness. The question is, ‘Do we force the child to immediately have the session?’ Or ‘Do we wait till she is ready on her own to begin?’ Being a therapist, my way of working is to follow the child’s cue and not to force them to do what they do not want to do. What if we do? Naturally, the child will put up a fight and the tension would be amounted and escalated. In fact, M. asked me and I gently asked her in the form of question what would she do about it? (as a form of intervention with M. and T.)
We let T. to settle down and let her be until she was ready. Interestingly, she had her milk and soon enough, she regained her disposition and ready to cooperate without any fuss and with a smile. It didn’t take very long in fact. All we did was let her be, let her decide and all we did was be with her, observing her and picking up her cues.
Note: Boundary and structure is important and when to attune and clash depends on the situation and the nature of the moment. What is shared is pertaining to the nature of the process itself. Normally it is worked on case to case basis.
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One thing I would very much like to share what struck me in moving with T. and observing her movement. I can feel and sense T.’s core-self and confidence. So far that I have observed children, I have not felt such a core-centre in a toddler of 2. She is grounded and has a core-centre in her body. To be able to feel a toddler with a core-centre in her body and movement is such a wonder to be felt in my body. It is such a beautiful moment and experience I would never forget. I would like to applaud M. for trusting herself, moving in the flow with T. in her developmental phases and reading her cues.
One thing I would very much like to share what struck me in moving with T. and observing her movement. I can feel and sense T.’s core-self and confidence. So far that I have observed children, I have not felt such a core-centre in a toddler of 2. She is grounded and has a core-centre in her body. To be able to feel a toddler with a core-centre in her body and movement is such a wonder to be felt in my body. It is such a beautiful moment and experience I would never forget. I would like to applaud M. for trusting herself, moving in the flow with T. in her developmental phases and reading her cues.
