Recently, I penned down my reflection over the programme "Style by Jury" and about my physical outlook. A process which doesn't end there. I often continue to reflect as a personal growth. Having gone through training as a body-oriented therapist, it has become a second nature when it comes to embodied self-awareness. In the process, I discover more of myself and how especially this four years have taken me.
It's indeed a make-over and it's not a physical make-over, but a body, mind, emotion and spirit make-over and I will call it "Style by Jesus". What sort of make-over have I actually changed while I was doing soul-searching and personal therapy.
~ Voice: I used to have such a high pitch voice. This change came about when I studied drama. It was a painful journey where I had to overcome my self-confidence and self-esteem. I was challenged by my trainer (she is a very good drama teacher). It's either I do it or I quit. I recalled going home in tears while walking down the road after the class. I had also some speech problem in pronouncing some words as I was very nasal and my voice tended to come from my nose. With a strong personality and nature of not giving up, I chose to break through the barriers and obstacles. When I found my own voice which was actually deep and with such power, I was so stunned! The best part was when I did my first exam and actually got an honour/distinction for it, I was overjoyed! I made it! I made it! This was the first major breakthrough in my life. In my personal therapy, I regained this power of voice and it resonated through my entire body and bring such peace and innate strength. I have found and recovered my inner voice.
~Feelings: Experiencing the split of body and head was so bizarre and I could literally feel them splitting! Then I realised that I was so much of a head person, i.e., rationalising, more than being in touch with my feelings. What a revelation after so many years! Having to unravel the suppressed feelings such as anger, guilt, shame, pain..., and to deal with them was a roller coaster ride in the process. At times, it was so unbearable and too painful to even want to come face to face with it. Processing them have set me free and led me to a deeper insight and understanding to who I am, to why I was stuck in a deep shit hole. Now, I no longer fear of my feelings even it is negative. I embrace them and listen to them and deal with them in the process. No more running away, no more pushing them into my unconscious state of mind. I learn to express them without fear of being judged or how others would look at me.
~ Body: "Body doesn't lie", my supervisor will always say. Body contains the memories of our past. In the training, I was so afraid at times to dance, move or express myself because body speaks a thousand words and nothing can escape the eye of my teachers who are dance therapists. My body spoke to me when I moved in authentic movement and in my personal therapy. I can now connect with my body and sensing them and especially taking good care of them. My body is much grounded than before and I feel safe with my body. I don't have to hold up a straight and tensed posture like a ballerina (I didn't realise that ballet and other dance forms have actually unconsciously influenced me) I find my own language in movement and has actually increased the movement repertoire and vocabulary. My laban teacher said how my body has changed since the first year of study. It was a nice pleasant comment to know that my body has transformed where I feel comfortable and at home with my own body again.
Part 2 will follow soon.