Separation Anxiety Part 1

This topic has always intrigued me for a long time. Probably due to personal encounter, having work with young children in the nursery, seeing it happening at my fieldwork and hearing my friends' personal stories.

While reading the book, Attachment and Loss, Vol 2 by John Bowlby, it has confirmed my feelings about separation anxiety on what I have observed and what I have studied.

Why do children then suffer from separation anxiety?

In the book, researches have been carried out with children of different ages and observed how the responses of the children in different settings. I will share more on this after I've completed reading the book. However, I will like to put a few excerpt from the book and my personal encounter.

When I was in my early 20s, I started to work in a playgroup where I have to attend to children aged 1 year to 3 year. Some of the children always screamed their head off when they departed from their mothers. I can still remember this girl who cried non-stop everyday despite of trying to comfort her. Even her maid was not able to comfort her. She even threw up on me. I was wondering why some children were able to separate from their mothers whereas some were not able to. I can even remember this other girl, would run into class everyday and just ignored her mother and wouldn't even say goodbye to her. she would just give me a hug and then went straight to play. The impression this girl gave me was an image of a tough little girl, no one can bully me. Physically she portrayed this strength and power in her like a little boy. Her body took the image of a tough little boy. What struck me was how the way she stood and carried herself. That set a very strong impression on me until today. I can still picture how they way she talked, looked, her whole body image.

Some of the boys and girls were very sweet and they normally came from different countries. I recalled this sweet little angel boy from Hong Kong, good-looking and a darling boy, always gave me a hug after each class. His mother was a very lovely and sweet-natured lady. Sometimes, his grandfather would come and pick the boy up.

I also taught drama in the same centre at that time during the weekends. In this class, I often ended up with bite marks. This little boy would just attack me and bite me out of the blue. But that didn't stop me from teaching. I still love to interact with them.

All these experiences were the one of the beginning phases that got me very curious about children and trying to understand their make-up in the process.

My whole life has been devoted to being an educator. I began my venture as a relief teacher and took over the classes of a PE & ART HOD. I taught many classes of different levels and even taught the worst class in the school. Boys who belonged to gangs and even sweared vulgar languages at me. Somehow, I was not terrified and my heart just went out to them. I even had individual session where I did counselling. What they needed was someone to believe in them. At the back of my mind, I was pondering why have they become so rebellious and deviant. Inside then, they were very broken and neglected. After the counselling, they were better. But due to the outside influences, they revert to the old self. I could see the struggles in them, battling with themselves and trying to get out of the deep shit hole. A friend who got me this relief teaching job was so afraid that when I was out of the school, I would be attacked by them. I was forward and outspoken with them, sometimes even challenging them. It was funny coming to think of it now. I was fearless at that time. I have no clue what gave me the courage and the guts, to meet these tough boys of age 12 to 14. (This class consisted of only boys) And they were bigger and taller than me. Maybe God gave me the strength. I pray that God will sow the seeds and bear its fruits later.

I continued the journey of being an educator in the main stream as a relief teacher in various schools and also teaching drama to different age groups before I seriously embarked into getting myself trained as a professional teacher.

What intrigued me has already begun when I was 11 year old, when my little baby brother was born. He is 11 years old younger than me and I watch him grow up, having the responsibility to take care of him. At that time, I also lost another younger brother to brain tumour of  age 7. I would not reveal details of my personal story. But I have observed separation anxiety before I actually even worked with any children later.

After leaving teaching and going to another phase of study in a new field, dance therapy, the interest in developmental phases, infants and children were getting more and more prominent, especially after I did the intensive course and an exposure to Kestenberg Movement Profile and in the fieldwork and also working with adults in my internship. I know right away my heart is geared towards early intervention and prevention. The thirst to investigate further is increasing. Those early years experiences have been an added value to what I am doing right now and unfolds the mystery to my questions I have for years.

Excerpt from the book: which I like to bring attention and awareness for personal reflection.

"....Mother physically present but emotionally not present..."

"Mother can use threats to abandon a child as a means of disciplining him. a tactic that probably has an immeasurably greater pathogenic effect than is yet recognized."

"Whether a child/adult is in a state of security, anxiety or distress is determined in large part by the accessibility and responsiveness of his principal attachment figure."

"...phase of protest is found to raise problem of separation anxiety; despair that of grief and mourning; detachment that of defence."

"Anxiety in children is originally nothing other than an expression of the fact that they are feeling the loss of the person they love." Sigmund Freud (1905b)